Zombie Kung Fu is the Deadliest Martial Art!

I bet that if I started a zombie kung fu school I would get fabulously wealthy. I could teach all the secret martial arts techniques that the undead use to rip the living heart out of some fool who can’t run very fast. I could teach people the secret monster karate techniques that…maybe I better get to the point?

You Think You Know Crazy?

My wife was sure that I was destroying my sons’ fragile, eggshell minds. We would sit for hours and watch monster movies. And then I would teach them martial arts.

What she didn’t know was that we were studying several key points which were crucial to understanding the martial arts. The main point was the use of wires and make up. Understand these two things and it will change the way you think about the martial arts, and it will even undo the harmful effects of Hollywood scripting.

First, we would spend hours analyzing how Hollywood did its effects. How did that zombie jump from one roof to the next? The answer, we would find, would be a crane with a wire, or a blue screen and a ramp pasted onto the background.

This led to attempts to duplicate certain feats, with me holding onto the belt, placing a hand under the back, or otherwise seeing if something could be done. Interestingly, this led to the boys appreciating the need for spotters and proper instruction before attempting those things they do on TV and warn you not to do.

The second thing was makeup, and while we didn’t start roaming the neighborhood in monster drag, we did get in severe analysis of how make up could be used to enhance slaughter. If you bent the head a certain way, put a metal plate against the throat, you could explode a small charge and make it look like a throat was blowing out. Wild.

And, the method for inserting arrows, knives, bullets, or whatever the projectile of your choice into the body part of your choice was interesting. This led to analysis of whether the body would react the way it did under impact. Interesting, to say the least.

I know this is an odd article, and I know that people will not like me for the way I raised my kids. But my kids are not fooled by Hollywood, don’t get upset by fake blood, appreciate good film making, know that no actors were harmed in the filming of this movie, and understand better how reality works. So I think you better learn a little Zombie Kung Fu, that way maybe you’ll survive when the zombies come for you.